did a fun friendsgiving thing with local friends and one who flew in from seattle [diaryposting]
Submitted by toasthaste in just_post (edited )
I have an always-on undercurrent of Sadness since March this year but it was still very nice overall. the seattle person is someone who has become very important to me during this very difficult year, and who I knew had a crush on me that I didn't reciprocate (came up some months ago, we'd talked about it and it was fine and not awkward)
she is a very very snuggly person and so I got to do a lot of snuggling with someone I feel comfortable with. she is different in person in ways that I enjoy, and maybe we did end up making out a bit, but I'm not really sure what "close friend who is highly emotionally important to me who I enjoy snuggling with and apparently also kissin" adds up to? (she's aware that we are not Dating, and that I have conflicting feelings and Baggage and stuff, I was able to detect and convey that much at least.)
wary that I'll decide I Have Feelings Too but they will turn out to just be rebound from still being so heartbroken and lonely. worried that I will not catch the sparkly feelings at all and she'll end up getting hurt, that I will turn out to have strung her along! or that I will detect such feelings Too Late in some capacity.
high chance that my general badmiserable state over the past 8+ months, and the emotional deadening that's gone along with that, makes me particularly bad at having or noticing feelings, as well. I think she is very very good in a lot of important ways and it would be so cool if I had romantical feelings for her so I'm also worried I'll... invent some that aren't actually there?
I'm gonna visit her in seattle in a month or so, and, I guess we'll see. probably I will have detailed this mush of feelings to her by then so at the very least we will both know as much of the score as I'm capable of interpreting from my sad mashed potato brain.
contemplating feelings about other people is hard when your ex-who-hurt-you-terribly is still your favorite person you've ever met :<